Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
