seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
