You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
