Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
