My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
