I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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