addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
