From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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