I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
