I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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