I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
why do cheetos always look like penises
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
