Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
