Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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