I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
