my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
