First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize