my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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