Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
