My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
