I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
