foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
