my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
