we have pet lesbian snakes
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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