There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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