Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
