you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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