I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
