i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We are all done wearing pants today
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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