Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
