I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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