They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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