I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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