ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
