Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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