I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
