it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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