The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
