Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
