If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
