swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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