Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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