6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize