you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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