My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's shark week go big or go home
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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