I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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