My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
