so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
