Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize