my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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