he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
