I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
