so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Duck Duck Cougar?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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