you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
be right there i have to get my cape
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
