Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
