I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
