There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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