We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
