I can tuck mytits in my pants
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
