Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
