i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
