grandma shit on top of the toilet
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize