even my farts smell like vagina
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
