Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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