please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
