i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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