He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
