I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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