I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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